I dunno why but I feel meevous

I dunno what it is, but I’m in my eli jersey and I feel all types of nervous. I want to see her cause I’ll miss her. I have a crush on her…but it’s not like d. I still really want d. This is one of those crushes where nothing will happen. But, being all by myself I feel alone. Like I think I may rely on others way too much, without then I’m at a constant struggle. Kind of how when I play madden I always look for Cruz. It works, but sometimes I don’t make the correct reads. Idk why I feel like this right now. I’m sure it’s cause I hate change. But, right now this is my favorite manager ever…& I’m struggling to get the courage to see her….how am I gonna respond when it’s a girl I actually like..?

I will vent while using madden

I’ve thrown 12 ints so far with eli in 2 games, I’m struggling bad..what’s worse is my defense is playin great…getting turnovers for me and such. I just have to make the right reads, but that hasn’t happened in a while. That’s how my life is. It’s a constant reminder that I’ve been given plenty of chances, but I’m not capitalizing on it.i was just in d’s Instagram & noticed a date…I looked into my texts & it was the day…she got with Oreo…that day bothers me a lot…just the day previously I felt I was making strides to get closer with her. Losing that basketball game might have ended my chances. The very next day I happen to see her…but Oreo was there…& I had a sneaky suspicion they were going out…they got together the day after I lost in basketball…& I almost saw it happen right in front of my eyes. Playing with eli in madden has shown me a lot. I am capable of playing a perfect game..& just doing great. Other times I’ll struggle and look bad.

Watching how I met your mother always gives me a life lesson

I watched how I met your mother…& the final season is amazing…it has to be one of the better seasons. & by watching it, I think I’ve learned some things. I may have liked Stephanie before, but I’m over her. I think I realize now, even now…..I think I’m not fully over sak. We were never together, but I was so close. & being that close, it has always haunted me…wherever I’ve gone. I kinda knew I still likes sak at my sister’s sweet 16. Steph was there, but I didn’t notice her, but I did tony…& sak, I really liked her. After all these years, I still like her. I thought I had all the proper closure, but it really hurts still. With sak being pregnant, I’ve understanding that…I’ll never have her ever, I’ve accepted it. The other girl I really like..is d. She is so sure and pretty. The minute I saw her…I liked her. I’m just haunted by how I lost her. And I’ve been reminded I may have had a chance…if I had acted even quicker. But, my sak failure, is always in the back of my mind. What happened between me and d, I also replay the painful moments of rejection. If I look around at other girls, I don’t see anyone that looks promising. I’d rather wait. And when d returns, a strong part of me…wants her to like me. I really like her a lot.

Time to look at the future

It’s something I’ve thought about a lot recently. Getting my job at amc…that and going to hs have been the 2 biggest accidents of my life…that turned out well. My job at amc has brought me back and reminded me of HS..a lot. It was fun, and I got paid..& the environment….it fit me….then people starting leaving…& it has become less fun. There is going to be no one left that I consider was important at the job…I still have friends…but the main ones have left. D, she was by far the one I liked the most…with her gone..it hasn’t been easy at all for me. I have not been the same. She qww cute, she made work interesting. Mike is my dude..he made work really enjoyable…with him leaving…work will be more dull. And there’s the impending leave of the coolest and prettiest manager I’ve ever known..she kept it real and I respect her. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten too close cause then it affects me worse. It’s one of the reasons I never wanted to be close with my dog…but I’m so close with him and it’ll suck when he’s gone. I think what I’ll do is wait until December…it’ll be based on d, it she returns it’ll be a little better..but if she leaves….it’ll be even more tough: my job that I liked in the beginning…is now starting to be bad.

Madden is once again teaching me life lessons

When I get madden, I really get into it. But, also, I play it and I can apply it to real life. I play madden, I rather rely on the running game, & rely on a blitz heavy defense. As a qb, I like to make simple throws. Problem is, sometimes I make the wrong read..& I throw picks. I have to make better adjustments. Looking back, since I’m finally back in school, I still like my theatre job, but not a much before. People are always leaving, always. When I first started, I liked it right away. The managers were great and he supervisors were great and the coworkers were great. Only 1 manager that came later on, that made me really like her(that one manager is hot, but she’s also so damn cool, and I trust her) but, then people started leaving, or getting fired, or going to school. I think one of my favorite managers…ever is leaving soon I’ll miss her, but I may get a chance to play her in ball. When d left for school, it deflated the hell out of me. She’s the one person I really liked there. Only thing left now is a solid group of fiends that I have established. We close, but I fear that it wot always last, & it’s gonna change. And when the others talk about leaving as well, it makes me think how much longer do I want to stay here? There’s not a whole lot of reasons that makes me want to stay. It’ll be a decision I make in 2015. One thing I’m hoping is..just to see d again. And, I really miss her a lot, a part of me still hopes I’ll get closer to her..& maybe more.

The most bittersweet win

I beat d in basketball, getting the revenge from when she beat me. But, the game wasn’t the most important. It was the fact I wanted to see her and hang with her. The minute I saw her bf…reality started to sink in for me. It hurt that I liked her, a lot, I knew her longer, and the guy just gets with her. He could have gone after others…but he picked her. I had my chances, and blew it again. I tried things with her, to only get rejected. When I was on the sidelines to see d and her bf together, Christine & her bf, mike and his girl, and my sis has a bf. I felt so very alone. As alone, as a person can feel. Oh, and forgot another person has a gf. I’ve been struggling with my feelings the last few days. In my heart, I felt so compelled to tell her I like her, a lot. Walking down the mall, and saying our goodbyes,it felt like time stopped. I didn’t want the moment to end. She was right in front of me, I thought of telling her, but her bf was right there. I hugged her…a long time..& I never wanted to let go…cause I know when I let go…she’s gone. I was gonna text her, how I felt since she was leaving, but before I could she texted me about the basketball game. She congratulated me, and that’s when I just couldn’t tell her I liked her. I once again live with regret. I should have left it all for sak, there was a small window with Steph. There was a chance with d, but now she’s gone…& I’m just alone. D did say we could play again in December. Idk, if that will ever come to fruition. College could change her, and that’s what I’m worried about. I just don’t know how to deal. The guy she’s with, man, I’m bitter about it.

I don’t know what to do

Tomorrow is the last time I’ll see d. She leaves for college Saturday. & I get my basketball rematch….with so many prople coming. The rumors are crazy. I missed she d’s last day at work..cause I had to work the other job. From what I’m told…it was an eventful day for her. A girl got her a minion shirt..& I heard that her bf..well he just was as cool as ever. Meanwhile, I’m here on the sidelines…I look like the loser…and I am….it took a lot out of me. My conscious is telling me….I need to try with her…despite how hopeless the situation looks. Ima miss that girl like crazy. My manager actually saw me and asked how I was. I told her the reason, & calmly told me…she’ll be back. I kinda needed to hear that. I trusty manager a lot, probably the only person I ever worked for, that I truely trust. And she’s pretty. I’m going back and forth in my mind if I should tell her how I feel..or just..idk…

It’s a weird feeling

I know why i liked sak, it felt natural. I know why I liked Steph, it felt natural. With d, it feels odd. I’ve only known her for 9 months. But, I do like her a lot. I have a very huge crush on her. And I guess, because of how I get over girls, I am probably in love with d. I can’t ever admit that part..cause it would freak anyone out. But, when I see her I get happy. She makes me smile. I love her voice, her eyes, her smile, her personality, her frame, everything about her. I wish she was a little taller, & weighed at least 100 lbs. she wore a batman shirt yesterday, she is awesome and cool. I subtly, try to get her attention whenever I get the chance, sometimes it works. It’s odd that when she pushed my arm, I felt so happy. The night ended. I was just talking to her, when I left, I realized she’s all alone and it’s her final week here, I need to talk to her. I walked back upstairs and lied and said I was waiting for my ride(which turned out to be true) we talked, but at first I didn’t wanna talk cause I’m sure she knows I only went back….to see her. It’s odd, the minute I went outside, I knew I should go back and talk to her. I asked when she was leaving, & she told me she leaves Saturday. She asked if I’d miss her again, I said no. She said “we both know the truth.” Implying I would miss her a lot. She ended the night by giving me a high 5.( I wish it were a hug, but I didn’t expect any type of goodbye) I know she probably has a bf, and that she’s going away to college. But, there is just something about her, that makes me willing to take more risks. With sak, I held back, Stephanie also. With d, idk she’s unique. The truth is I am in love with her, but it’s cause I’m obsessed with her. Smh it creeps me out to say that, but it’s true. I liked sak, and everyone knew it. Steph also had that.

On Tuesday, it’s the finale

I learned d is working 3 more days. Tuesday is the rematch, but there is so much going on. It will probably be the last time I see her. Her bf might be there. I have to win to redeem myself. And I’m leaning towards telling her how I feel. A part of me knows I shouldn’t, but I’ve seen what happens when I don’t fully give it my all..Steph and sak. I just, wasn’t fully honest. A part of me is telling me, d is the one where I have to be honest. I’ve known her for 9 months and liked her right away. She is cute, she is really cute. Her personality is great. But, I’ve noticed..she’s a little childish, and kind of weird… & I kind of like that. She showed up yesterday and wow did she look like a nerd..captain America shirt(which I loved) and glasses with her hair tied up. She told me how she has a turtle…(weird) & talked about turtles and llamas..(weird) maybe, I think I like her a lot..cause she kind of reminds me…of myself. I like superheroes a lot recently(not enough to read comics but still) she’s kind of nerdy..(I don’t consider myself nerdy..but I know I have that perception about me) I dunno I’m trying to find the right person. Realistically, I’ll never get the super hot girl. I don’t think I could like the really annoying ones (0-4). So, I think I’m best suited in that 5-7 role. I think I like girls that are open to at least talking to me, not where I have to initiate conversation. I’m best suited playing off a conversation. Honestly, my heart is telling me, I have no shot at all to win her over. There’s too much cirumcstances. But, I want to try, only cause I lost sak, and Steph. & it kinda kills me that I know I didn’t fully express myself. With d, I’m almost willing to be honest. I kind of really want to keep in touch with her..in some way..I don’t want Tuesday to end everything.

1 day

I talked to Steph yesterday, I so nervous that d is leaving tomorrow. I really like her..a lot. & I’m utterly heartbroken she’s leaving. But, at least it’s for school. I talked to Steph, because as much as she annoys me, & as much as I hate her at times, I am still a little heartbroken that she doesn’t like me the way I like her. She does give good advice, & I know…she does really care about me. She just linked me to a picture from “how I met your mother” and just told me…no matter what just go for it, you don’t want to ever wonder “what if”…I like d a lot, she’s so cute. And I’m bothered that sak and Steph never worked out, and I held back myself. Tomorrow, I dunno what I’ll say, do I just say what’s in my heart?