I thought heartbreak would be easier

It’s getting harder. I’m sleepy as hell to let the emotions hit me. But, on Tuesday I played with denisse, and it went as great as it possibly could get….& now learned that she has a bf…the guy who I always suspected…and I saw it Wednesday…I thought I had a month….now I’m depressed….

Before anyone ever cared where I would play basketball, I was a kid from Northeast Ohio. It’s where I walked. It’s where I ran. It’s where I cried. It’s where I bled. It holds a special place in my heart. People there have seen me grow up. I sometimes feel like I’m their son. Their passion can be overwhelming. But it drives me. I want to give them hope when I can. I want to inspire them when I can. My relationship with Northeast Ohio is bigger than basketball. I didn’t realize that four years ago. I do now.

Remember when I was sitting up there at the Boys & Girls Club in 2010? I was thinking, This is really tough. I could feel it. I was leaving something I had spent a long time creating. If I had to do it all over again, I’d obviously do things differently, but I’d still have left. Miami, for me, has been almost like college for other kids. These past four years helped raise me into who I am. I became a better player and a better man. I learned from a franchise that had been where I wanted to go. I will always think of Miami as my second home. Without the experiences I had there, I wouldn’t be able to do what I’m doing today.

I went to Miami because of D-Wade and CB. We made sacrifices to keep UD. I loved becoming a big bro to Rio. I believed we could do something magical if we came together. And that’s exactly what we did! The hardest thing to leave is what I built with those guys. I’ve talked to some of them and will talk to others. Nothing will ever change what we accomplished. We are brothers for life.  I also want to thank Micky Arison and Pat Riley for giving me an amazing four years.

I’m doing this essay because I want an opportunity to explain myself uninterrupted. I don’t want anyone thinking: He and Erik Spoelstra didn’t get along. … He and Riles didn’t get along. … The Heat couldn’t put the right team together. That’s absolutely not true.

I’m not having a press conference or a party. After this, it’s time to get to work.

When I left Cleveland, I was on a mission. I was seeking championships, and we won two. But Miami already knew that feeling. Our city hasn’t had that feeling in a long, long, long time. My goal is still to win as many titles as possible, no question. But what’s most important for me is bringing one trophy back to Northeast Ohio.

I always believed that I’d return to Cleveland and finish my career there. I just didn’t know when. After the season, free agency wasn’t even a thought. But I have two boys and my wife, Savannah, is pregnant with a girl. I started thinking about what it would be like to raise my family in my hometown. I looked at other teams, but I wasn’t going to leave Miami for anywhere except Cleveland. The more time passed, the more it felt right. This is what makes me happy.

To make the move I needed the support of my wife and my mom, who can be very tough. The letter from Dan Gilbert, the booing of the Cleveland fans, the jerseys being burned — seeing all that was hard for them. My emotions were more mixed. It was easy to say, “OK, I don’t want to deal with these people ever again.” But then you think about the other side. What if I were a kid who looked up to an athlete, and that athlete made me want to do better in my own life, and then he left? How would I react? I’ve met with Dan, face-to-face, man-to-man. We’ve talked it out. Everybody makes mistakes. I’ve made mistakes as well. Who am I to hold a grudge? 

I’m not promising a championship. I know how hard that is to deliver. We’re not ready right now. No way. Of course, I want to win next year, but I’m realistic. It will be a long process, much longer than it was in 2010. My patience will get tested. I know that. I’m going into a situation with a young team and a new coach. I will be the old head. But I get a thrill out of bringing a group together and helping them reach a place they didn’t know they could go. I see myself as a mentor now and I’m excited to lead some of these talented young guys. I think I can help Kyrie Irving become one of the best point guards in our league. I think I can help elevate Tristan Thompson and Dion Waiters. And I can’t wait to reunite with Anderson Varejao, one of my favorite teammates.

But this is not about the roster or the organization. I feel my calling here goes above basketball. I have a responsibility to lead, in more ways than one, and I take that very seriously. My presence can make a difference in Miami, but I think it can mean more where I’m from. I want kids in Northeast Ohio, like the hundreds of Akron third-graders I sponsor through my foundation, to realize that there’s no better place to grow up. Maybe some of them will come home after college and start a family or open a business. That would make me smile. Our community, which has struggled so much, needs all the talent it can get.

In Northeast Ohio, nothing is given. Everything is earned. You work for what you have.

I’m ready to accept the challenge. I’m coming home. [x]

Breaking: LeBron James Leaning Toward Joining Al-Qaeda

The decision…part 2

I failed with Stephanie..and with sak. Back in 2010 I was pondering to continue pursuing sak, or pick another girl. I chose another girl, but would eventfully like sak again, until moving on to Stephanie. This time around, my coworker is set to leave for college. She’s essentially leaving the job. I have started to have deep feelings for her. She has an amazing personality, pretty eyes, nice lips, the prettiest smile…and she’s a virgin. She’s a very intriguing girl, but that could all change in college. I remember my other coworker said I could “wait” until she might return in the winter or summer. But, at my advancing age, I want to start winning now. I’m dreading the day she leaves. While talking with coworkers, I’ve learned they’ve invited her to eat with us. Now, she graduates this week, I don’t know if I should wait a week and give her a gift next week, which could make the dinner awkward. Or, wait until after. One thing i am starting to notice, maybe my coworker that I thought she liked, he really is just a friend. Other girls love him too. I’ll remember she told me she’s not looking for a boyfriend at the moment.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that by not making a move on these 3 girls, it all led me to finding the next girl. Missing out on sak, many times it still hurts. Because I know, in my heart that I would have been with her. Steph, it hurts because that was my closest friend, I thought she’d never hurt me, and she did. With denisse, I’ve learned it’s possible at the moment she at least cares about me. I probably would have gotten with her, if I acted quicker. But, she is leaving soon. And it’s not like the other girls, she’ll be gone. My hope is that I want to be more than friends with her…I really do. But, I’d also be ok with being her friend. I really want her in some capacity in my life. Everything in my life is lebron james motivated. Denisse is one of the cutest I girls I’ve met. Maybe not since prime sak. She’ll get more mature. But, my failures have been well documented. And sadly, the theatre is mostly aware of what is going on in my mind. I’m not trying to prevent her from leaving, I just want her to know my feelings. Also, I don’t know if I should tell her my truest feelings, or just be subtle. I want to win now so badly. But, if she rejects me, it would hurt. But, I really don’t want to look for another girl. Sak’s rejection has scarred me, I’m over the girl, but it still hurts to think, how close I was multiple times. Steph’s rejection made me want to never feel that pain again. Now, I’m looking at losing this girl forever without saying anything, or being rejected and making it awkward.

Game 5 tonight….do or die

It has been..quite a rollercoaster day for myself. I have a huge crush on my coworker, and I care about her…a lot. A whole lot. Maybe, I hyped her up a little too much, but she has to be somewhat special for me to get over Stephanie, who at times I thought was perfect for me. Today, it felt like game 6 of the finals..from last year..I’m talking improbable ray Allen 3 to tie the game. Ok, the day begins with people questioning my efforts on my coworker. Mike had been critiquing me heavily all day. Later on, people told me she had a bf. I was shocked, and disappointed. But, I felt numb to it inside….outside, I moved slower it made me visibly distraught. The worst part is the guy she’s talking too…was hearing all this. And, he had learned about my crush on my coworker through the others. I didn’t know if he was hurt, or he was the bf. It was reported later on that he was seen visibly upset, and no one knows why. So, I’m here thinking it’s over, I tried and failed. 3 years in a row..3 girls in a row. All had a chance to close…& choked unbelievably bad. As she was leaving I saw her, and I was too tired to say anything to her. She wanted a high 5, but I just told her my hands were dirty. And I kind if just walked away. Mike critiqued me for basically. Ignoring her. Also, he counted up the months I had known her, & well basically 7 months, which is a similar timetable with all my crushes. So, I’m thinkin I failed again. Then, I get a text. From her, saying “it’s all lies.” I had no idea how to respond to that. With help from mike, I called her. & eerily similar to what happened2 years ago with sak, I heard a girl that sounded upset, crying. She talked about how she really doesn’t trust anyone at the job. She also heard how I was “spazzing out” in the job. I just tried to make the excuse that I was tired.How she really can’t socialize with people without people talking. She told me that she jokes around with me, but it’s all in good fun. She told me that she knows rejection is tough, but it happens?(I forget it sounded like she was explains why she rejected me) and told me that she’s not looking for a bf right now.cause she’s goin to college soon. And that’s it’s just bad timing. After the convo with her, I was so confused.i heard these rumors and believed it, and it made sense. But, she texted me to tell me it wasn’t true. She heard I was upset, still thinking who could have told her that? It had to be the guy I was working with/the guy she may be talking too. She also talked about it’s just not a good time at the moment. I’m still thinking does that mean she like me? She actually explained things to me. She, at the very least has a heart. Stephanie just cut me off completely when she found out I like her. And sak, she explained things to me after the incident 2 years ago. Of couse, we aren’t even friends at this point. And does that mean that guy, is now an enemy? How did these rumors start? And mike critiqued me, saying I should have “sweet talked” her. I hope she’s ok.

The heat is on…

It’s that time of year again. It’s June, and I am wrestling with my feelings for a girl. Yesterday, I had a good time with my coworkers at chilli’s. And I cherish it cause I realize, these moments will not be here forever. There’s a lot of changes happening. But, one thing I didn’t see coming, was when 6 of my coworkers/friends asked me about dnice. They started to critique me for not..trying hard enough and they were trying to figure out what I was doing. It is all familiar territory. I swear I don’t do it for the attention, I am not an attention whore. But, man do I seem to get attention from everybody. I had a hard time sleeping, I kept on thinking about her. I had a dream where I got my ass kicked. Then the second dream..I, for some reason was working as a cashier in a grocery store.the guy she may or may not be talking to was there.& I saw her..she was asking me if I would miss her when she leaves, and I was like “no” she eventually helps me. She gets so close to me that I accidentally kiss her cheek, she is popping gum at me, and pops the gum at my lips, making us kiss. I woke up after that….even in my dreams, I’m so scarred to she what happens next. I’m trying to better my mind. Buy, it’s tough. I think I’ve dealt with failure so much, that it’s hard to see myself winning. I am so damn scarred about her. It’s still in my mind the times I’ve failed, or even the times she’s been mean to me. But, there has been good. And, I dunno, she’s leaving soon, and I am running out of time. I feel lost.

Objective has changed

I didn’t get the Carmines, I do like them, but I’ll live. I will eventually get them. I have my eyes set on the “golden state warriors” air bakins. Oh man those look amazing. I can come with grips now that….I am totally still in love with Stephanie. I’ve always loved her, and never stopped loving her. She’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever known. & I care for her so much….But, I have to go after my coworker. Steph is gret, but it’s too toxic of a situation. I’d be up against so much. Right now, there’s a rumor she’s pregnant again…I wasn’t really hurt, I could almost see it coming. I couldn’t do anything about it. Heard her or her boo might lose their job. I kinda had a feeling on that too. Heard her baby dad wants her back…I had a feeling. I’ll look at the positive, for the minute. I am building confidence to win my coworker over. & a part of me knew that if I still had feelings for Stephanie, it’d be bad. Something like this, would make me realize Steph isn’t the girl for me. And hell, even basketball, is teaching me stuff. To be honest, I suck at basketball, when catching fire, I’m average. I don’t like being a ball hog, I’d rather not do any shit and win. But, I’ve noticed when playing with people….people yell at me to be more aggressive, to not pass up shots. There have been times when they would just not shoot anymore and I would be forced to shoot. Kind of like in real life, when people force me to make moves. I’m so in love with Steph. I’ve liked another girl to get over her. It’s not smart, but it helps me deal. I mean, even right now, I’m still a little emotional. But, my coworker is so damn cute, and she’s innocent. It’s too good to pass up.

I feel like my flaws are always exposed ..during the playoffs

The past is repeating for me. Going to both jobs on the same day, is starting to get to me. Everybody has jokes on me now, everyone. I don’t mind it, really. I just usually shrug it off. It’s the denisse jokes, that is starting to take a heavy toll on me. The crush on her, is starting to become public knowledge. When I talk to her, she kinda trolls me now subtly that makes me it known she knows I like her. For example, she was telling me today was her last day & I kinda worried, but she then said “no, I’m playing but it made you feel some type of way, right?” All I’ve been hearing from people is critique. Mike helped me out and flat out told me to just talk to her. I did, but after all that happens I struggle. I struggle badly to get enough of the courage to actually go up to her. I eventually do, but I struggle to find something to talk to her about. The last thing that happened, it was bad. I followed Mike upstairs and denisse was there. I followed Mike, and he left. And, I had zero idea what to talk about. I froze. I eventually went back down after like 20 seconds. As she left, she acknowledged everyone, but me. Iggying me. Again. This time people saw this. I know I can do this still, but I need to completely reup the confidence. It is completely shot. Whenever it is a clutch situation now, I choke. I choke badly, and it’s starting to show again.

posted May 18, 2014 at 7:46 with 0 notes
tagged as: #crush #crushes #choker

I just feel lost at times

I’m so damn confused it’s not even funny. Steph hasn’t hit me up I a week. I’ve learned that she still thinks I like her (which is true) but I really don’t care about that. I care more that denisse has been acting so odd to me lately. She’s talking to me, we are doin our regular banter…then at times she will ignore me completely. Today is a perfect example. I see her, and we talking normally. I still feel scarred to show that I like the nickname she gave me…so I always show emotion. I was talking to her, then she ignores me completely. I later asked for cups, & she just walked away. I went up to her, and asked her & she just ignored me more. I later saw her and was shocked to see her as it was late. I walked right past her to say goodnight…& she straight up ignored the shit out of me. I woulda went up to her and talked to her, but I let it go. Man, all I wanted to do was throw my hands in the air…I was hella frustrated. The worst thing is..she’s only ignoring me, no one else. & I have no damn idea why. The only thing I see is, with her leaving in 2 months…I have time to fix this. It means a lot to me though, that the other girl coworkers were nice to me, and some helped me. Lisa, though she is mean to most, she really is nice and sweet to me and I like that. Nicole, I’m starting to realize is a horrible coworker, she’s nice to me. And jordan, she asked me how it was goin with me and the girl. It meant a lot that she asked that question. The only thing that worries me a lot….is that this behavior the iggying and the meanness….was only matched by one other person…sak.

It feels like a bad dream

I keep trying to tell myself, it’s not going to happen again. It’ll be different. But, it’s happened again. I have a huge crush on denisse. She is so damn adorable and cute. I love her personailty. The fact that she’s leaving…I dunno what to say. I’m at lost for words. I’ll miss her like crazy. She’s one of the 2 people at the job, I wouldn’t want to leave. She leaves in June. I am now scrabbling trying to figure out what to do. She’s rejected me and she rejected me again. But, there is one thing that actually makes me want to pursue her. I’ve learned she used to have a “soft spot” for me.that just drives me insane. That everything I had an idea about, I was right. She did used to like me. Leading more info, I was amazed that I was right about another thing, her & her best friend did like each other. I dunno, it just feels right that I saw all this, that I’m not a damn idiot. But, I can’t lose denisse. The sak situation was just the worst. Stephanie was pretty bad also. It’s driving me that I really don’t want to lose denisse. A really big negative is..when she’s mean….it’s very similar to sak. From the responses to her overall personality, to her traits as a sag. Also, most people at the job have found out, and if they don’t know, I’m seeking their help. I know this story is the same…again. But, I want to make sure I don’t make the same damn mistakes again. I’ve noticed the last 3 years, I’ve focused on a different girl, and it’s during the nba playoffs and when lebron and the heat are playing. 2012-sak 2013-Steph 2014-denisse That’s unbelievable right there. I will try my hardest to get with denisse. I don’t want to fail. The criticism it hurts. It’s hard to ignore. & sadly, it’s been told so many damn times, every one of the girls, every one…if I had just made a move I would have the said girl. All 3 at one point did kind of like me. At 23, I am feeling a lot of pressure, no kiss, no girlfriend, no sex. My best friend at the job did say one thing…I do sabotage myself. It does seem like I’m going against myself. One thing that has to change is the shaky confidence issues I have. If I could right myself mentally, I believe I can get her, or at the very least be good friends with her…I’ve already told myself in my head…on that dreaded last day, I may just buy her something extravagant. Even, if all the coworkers see it. The first thing I thought of is the death of Gwen Stacy in the amazing Spider-Man 2. You know it’ll happen, all the foreshadowing is there. But, you just hope, you just want it to be different. But, it’s not. I may have to watch Gwen Stacy’s speech again. Gwen was going away to college, denisse is also. One thing is for sure, I don’t want denisse to miss out on a great life. it’s just, well you don’t know how many times throughout the day I will just look up to the sky. It’s frustration, trying to correct this all.